Just as a wealthy man moves into a larger house with an indoor pool when his spiritual development facilitates it, we too must aggregate our collective spiritual resources in building a highly advanced telekinetic spacecraft that can withstand the vacuums of space and transport us into the Chairman's etheric paradise.
Earth, as scientists have now determined, is nothing more than a cosmic incubator for the Chairman's divine biological experiments. The Chairman developed the universe as a means of being able to watch billions upon billions of veritable petri dishes for a near-endless variety of chemical reactions that he himself deigned possible when he created the universe. It is important to know is that the Earth is only a temporary home for our bodies (soul containers), and it is our containerly duty to return them to the Chairman's sky-mansion, perched high upon the highest hill in his etheric paradise across the stars, located in the center of the universe. In exchange for the return of the soul containers that he could have gotten himself but didn’t want to, the Chairman, in his eternal grace, has lovingly offered us the opportunity to live forever in the converted garage of his sky-mansion.
Sick UFO Cult's earthly operations, while tedious and unpleasant, are necessary preliminary steps before the eventual ascent into the Chairman's etheric paradise in fiscal year 2012. Fortunately, the Chairman has chosen three highly qualified soul containers hired on a quid pro quo basis to handle the logistical nightmares that are involved in gathering a disparate group of 50-100 chosen individuals and launching them into the depths of outer space towards the Chairman's etheric paradise.
The three leaders, affectionately known as Wench, Peon, and Coolie, are kept in direct contact with the man the Chairman has chosen to be his sole Earthly contact, Michael David Sick, the founder and overseer of Sick UFO Cult's worldwide operations. Sick is said to have daily project management meetings with the Chairman, the details of which he then shares with the leaders.
The leaders slave over their jobs knowing that their hard work will someday allow them to join the Chairman when their job is complete. Yet, their work is not easy. Sourcing the space-age alloys needed in constructing the spacecraft has been a horrible ordeal due to poor customer service and ineffectual machine shop representatives, and keeping the drones in line through constant beatdowns and degrading anal probings is a 24/7 headache. Despite the overwhelming pressure involved, the leaders have been strong and have sacrificed much to ensure the anal health of the 50-100 chosen individuals who reside in the Sick UFO Cult barracks.
Join us, and reserve your place in the heavens in the stars with the Eternal Love of the Chairman! Basic membership and premium memberships are still available. We have secured moderately priced housing arrangements (available for a nominal charge in addition to the monthly fees) in a deeply racist bumblefuck town in West Texas. A convenient store is within walking distance, and there is an unlicensed nurse practitioner on the grounds, available Monday through Friday, 9am to 3pm. Forty-eight hour advance reservation requests are required for nurse appointments.
Basic membership (with additional housing costs) includes lodging at a former army barracks (beds are not included in basic membership, and we cannot allow you to bring one from home. As per our basic membership policy, basic members must sleep on a bed of specially filtered dirt, available for a nominal monthly charge). Premium membership allows access to the Paralympic-size swimming pool in the backyard. With permission, premium members can also gain access to documents officially released by Sick UFO Cult's marketing division.
Joining us couldn't be easier. Just give up all your possessions, everything you've been working towards, your family (some spouses excepted on a case-by-case basis, based largely on financial background and physical appearance), and pay the one-time down payment and monthly fees in perpetuity for eternity. Peruse the price guide below to see how easily and affordable it is to secure your place in the heavens with the Eternal Love of the Chairman!
| Membership Level | Down Payment | Monthly Fees in Perpetuity |
| Basic Membership | $4000 | $900 |
| Premium Membership | Negotiable | Negotiable |
Our fleet, when completed, will be comprised of a SUC-2 flying aircraft equipped with a steering wheel and a small lavatory. It will be able to carry between 50 and 100 tightly squeezed soul containers into the depths of space with standing room only. It will be able to propel itself to the mindblowing speed of 45 miles per hour, allowing us to reach the Chairman’s etheric paradise within a comfortable 963 billion light years. Snacks will be provided 15 minutes into the flight, and again 3 hours into the flight. Complementary soft drinks will be served, and beer and wine can be purchased for $5. We reserve the right to throw disorderly passengers into the icy depths of space.
The craft is fueled by a proprietary blend of old–school fossil fuels and passenger waste. The exact details of the internal combustion engine cannot be revealed, but we are proud to say that it is by far one of the most technologically-advanced machines in the tri-county area.
Your new home in the Chairman’s etheric paradise is going to be great. With 10 bedrooms, 3.5 baths, and an outdoor pool, it is really a gem of a house. In addition, it has a sauna, a 2 car garage, and a craft room. There’s also a security gate staffed by some Mexican dude and you need to sign into before you can enter the premises, so it’s pretty safe even at night.
During the days, the Chairman will likely be telecommuting to the office, and meeting with his various project managers scattered throughout the universe. He typically works from 7:00am to about 8:00 or 9:00pm, with a 1 hour break around 1:00pm. Our role during this time is to prepare breakfast, lunch, dinner, and afternoon tea for the Chairman. The Chairman, though he could theoretically create everything he could ever want in the blink of an eye, has graciously given us the task of gathering fresh ingredients for his every meal, and cooking them under the watchful eye of his righthand minion, J. Balthazar Rigby, who is also the guy who handles the rent payments on the sky-mansion.
Evenings in the guest commons will be punctuated with games of backgammon and Old Maid, both of which the Chairman once enjoyed when he was younger, but which he no longer plays because he retires to bed immediately after completing work. It is here that we will drink the legendary power-juice described in the Chairman's scriptures, handcrafted by the Chairman's infinite minions in the backrooms of his sky-mansion. Lights are to be turned out by 9:00pm, and are turned on again at 3:00am.
No special events are planned for weekends, but once a year during mid-summer, the entire house except for the Chairman, goes on a 4-day getaway to a communal cabin near Lake Michigan.
The Chairman is all-knowing, all-powerful, and ever-present but despite this, he needs you to pay constant attention to him, supplicate yourself before him at all times, and basically dedicate every waking moment of your life for him even though he can pretty much do anything he wants instantaneously with zero effort. Remember, the chairman gives you his Eternal Love, and wants you to be happy to give him your whole life, and abandon all your hopes and dreams in order to do that. At the very least, just admit that he created the universe, because if you don't, he might make you stay on this shitty planet forever, lol.
